Barakel, Brains, and Bad Days

Newsflash. There is a lot going through my mind right now. Anyone astonished? Yeah. Me neither. A lot has happened, but to the watching outside world, my life is still as ordinary and uneventful as ever. Lumber Jack and Jill was this weekend up at Camp Barakel, and also my first time being up there for this event. I was so excited/nervous to see people from the summer (and it didn't even matter seeing as I hung out with only a few of the same people). I wanted to leave as soon as I got there, I wanted to be back in my safe zone, back where I know I am safe and comfortable. But now that I am home once again, I am glad that I went. Everyone accomplished quite a lot of work around that camp, and it was fun to visit and socialize a bit with some of my acquaintances from summers past.
My heart belongs within the pink tree tape of the blessed place I have come to call my second home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If it were possible, I would give up all of my time to work and serve there. If only...

Also there, I found my heart and mind in conflict with one another. Stuck at a crossroads where I haven't the slightest idea where to go or which direction to turn. This is one of those times I would very much like to try the whole "put your fleece outside" thing, or maybe God will illuminate the sky with my answer. Why doesn't he do that anymore like He did with people in the Bible? I'm pretty sure the world wasn't much different back then than it is now (minus a few small technology differences), but God also respond like He did. I've always wondered at that and wished he would speak up. Oh, I understand how we make choices and have to live with the consequences, but...I'm merely saying that it would be nice to get His input. Physically see it or audibly hear it. I desperately need God's help and His advice. My soul desire is to curl up into his hands and feel Him hold me. To feel the folds of His robe envelope me and shield me from the darkness that has come more often than not. He is the God of comfort, a shelter in our time of need. Well? God? I am in a time of need...

I talked with a dear, dear friend about the movie/book "Eat Pray Love" (which is one of my favorite movies now, and will shortly make its way to my movie shelf (that I am proud to say has expanded to 2 shelves now!)) and started to formulate an idea of how to go about my own "self-finding" adventure. I can't do it at home, for there is no where to escape to and just...be...
I realize I can't take off a whole year and travel to Italy, Rome, India, and Bali, like Julia Roberts did in the movie, but there HAS to be a place I can go for a month or so to do nothing (and I mean nothing) but soul search and be with God. Any ideas? I'd love to hear. I'm serious. (And by the way I am waiting with bated breath for the first issue of my "Budget Traveler" magazine! :])

3 weeks left in my internship. Here is where the dirty details come into place and I will start to be tested on all of my observation skills. Teaching classes, poking fingers for lipid tests, conducting GXTs, presenting my case study, you name it. I am ready for it to be done. Really ready. But am I ready to apply to numerous hospitals and rehab programs and cardiologist offices? I guess so. Time moves with no consideration to us. I brought home a list of rehab clinics around Michigan and I plan to apply to each and every one, no matter the distance (I found one in Ireland. Can I go there? I vote yes).

Once again I look out at the 7 days before me, and I know that in 7 days I will look back in astonishment at how they are gone just like that. So how will I live this week? How will the world remember me after those 7 days? This week, I choose to live wrapped in my Heavenly Father's arms knowing I am covered by His blood. For now, that is all I can do. To be honest? I feel positively weak emotionally and mentally. It's nice to lean back and rest my head against His chest. There's nothing else quite like it.

Slushies, white cheddar popcorn, and Coldplay

I officially have 23 days left of my internship. How was time allowed to escape like this? If someone can help out and give me the answer, that would be just wonderful. I have learned a lot and can now, with confidence, recognize specific rhythms, work equipment, and do other tasks that have been asked of me these past 8 weeks. However, I feel that there is still so much extra...stuff...that I just don't know about yet. It will come with more experience, but (the big questions is) what if I don't get a chance to further my experience? What if a job doesn't come right away and the skills I have been working on and honing wither away? What if I am clumped with other Americans who spend countless thousands on a college education and then, desperately, have to accept a position that has nothing to do with what they studied? I would feel like everything was such a waste at that point. Why is it so hard to trust such a big thing to a God who works in His own time? The world does not work by this philosophy, so most of the time, we are left scrambling for things that are below par. God help me, I don't want to end up like this.
I know. I will write a book. And make millions. Sounds good.

Today, in my spare time, I was able to peruse the magazine rack at Meijer in Kalamazoo. There is discovered a Budget Travelers magazine! How exciting! :] I quickly filled it out and it will be in the mail tomorrow. 12 issues for $12. Not bad, not bad. First my book about Europe, and now this. I hope this means that I am getting serious about traveling.

Tonight, a somewhat cold, Tuesday night, has led me to the bowl chair in our room, slushy in one hand, white cheddar popcorn in the other, and Enya filling the quietness and crowding even more, my thought-filled head. There is much on my mind these days, and not many people to share it with. Very few, in fact. I feel overwhelmed. :-/ All of this brings to mind the lyrics of the song "Us Against the World" by Coldplay.

Oh morning come bursting, the clouds, Amen.
Lift off this blindfold, let me see again
And bring back the water, let your ships roll in.
In my heart she left a hole

The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties
The devil as he's talking with those angel's eyes
And I just want to be there when the lightning strikes
And the saints go marching in

And sing slow-ow-ow-ow it down

Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

Like a river to a raindrop, I lost a friend
My drunken as a Daniel in a lion's den
And tonight I know it all has to begin again
So whatever you do, don't let go

And if we could float away
Fly up to the surface and just start again
And lift off before trouble
Just erodes us in the rain (x3)

Sing slow-ow-ow-ow it down
Oh Slow-ow-ow-ow it down

Through chaos as it swirls
It's just us against the world
Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

This post is less than profound and perhaps a big scatterbrained. But it's a glimpse of how my inside...ness...is tonight.

Goodnight all and be blessed.

Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop

I thought that Starbucks was supposed to be filled with the luscious smells of coffee and the warm temperature that often made people want to fall asleep. I wish that was the case with this particular joint in Kalamazoo. Its freezing in here and I'm sure my toes and fingers are hypothermic right about now. Just saying. After a long workout and a small lunch, I would rather be home under piles of blankets reading my new found book, "The Help." However, those are not the cards that today dealt me. Hopefully soon I shall be on my way home braving the slick, rain-covered roads.

I also discovered a discount books store in the same parking lot as Starbucks. This shall be the death of me, for my love of books has lately grown now that I have some time to actually sit down and read. That's what I get for graduating college. :] Anyway, the bookstore was huge and everything was categorized! No need to wonder about what was what and what was where. I quickly found my way to the travel section and discovered a AAA book all about Europe! Seeing as I AM going to go there someday soon (not just a want. At this point it's a done deal). My luck it was $1.99, so of course I bought it! It has travel tips for the traveler and goes through just about each of the big touristy places and tells all about the places to visit and eat at and what to do. I can't wait to plan for my trip...whenever that will be.

Where do we go from here?

So I'm sitting here, in my corner conference room, probably supposed to be doing something heart related, or perhaps I should be brushing up on my EKGs...but I'm not. Truth be told I don't have anymore of that to do today because I buckled down for once and completed the tasks before me early on in the morning. The day is dreary out and in being that way, my mind is clouded and befuddled with so many thoughts that I would like to get off my chest in one way or another. I have always wanted to be a serious blogger (I heard that some actually get paid...how cool is that, right?), but have never had the time to actually sit down in the quiet and just. Type. Think. Be. Question. Cry. Wonder. So why not start today? :]

Here goes.

I am almost to the middle of week 8 out of 12 of my internship, and have quickly found that I desire a more exciting career path than this. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful for the chances I have had working in this field and working with the older generation getting to know them and their lives as they exercise away. I have learned a great many thing, not so much related to life, but mostly related to monitors, patients, heart disease, medications, EKGs, and so on and so forth. This has been an incredible stepping stool for me to use while I continue on my search of what I am supposed to do with my life. What's the next step going to be? I have no idea...and that alone scares me. I am not guaranteed a job right out of this that will pay off my loans and let me bite into my own independence. I am not guaranteed anything, except my long-awaited degree from college! That can come swiftly. I will not complain. :]

I have been looking into being a cardiovascular technician. What's that, you say? Their job is to assist in heart catheters and hand the man who does all the poking and prodding all of his equipment. After one long Tuesday observing one heart cath right after another, I fell in love and was almost completely convinced I could go into this field off of my cardiac rehab foundation. However, that takes more schooling, so if anyone would like to donate to my cause, that would be wonderful. Until then, I will most likely be applying for jobs around the area (or not so around the area seeing as I would like to get out of Michigan to see the world) and praying that God has compassion on a poor college soul like me by allowing me to find steady work somewhere.

I am currently at home where life is less than normal more than half of the time. With 3 extra little bodies running around stress levels are high and it's great. There are not many places to get away on my own because just about every room is taken up by someone or something. However, this is the place that God has me at for the time being until I can be on my own, or until my handsome prince riding tall on his noble steed comes to rescue me and sweep me off of my tennis shoed feet! Like I said. I have no idea what is next. It's exciting, thrilling, terrifying...and other "ing" adjectives that aren't coming to mind.

Besides the current events happening in my simple life, I am learning each day and trying my best to have a different outlook on life, preferably one leaning more towards the positive side of things.

June bug

So I'm about 3 weeks into my job, and I must say that I love it. Lifeguarding has been fun, but I think I may have found my calling in scooping ice cream. Of course, the people definitely make it about 80% of what it is, and it's had it's moments. It's many many moments, but it's still so much fun. It only took about a week to get things mostly down! This summer has also yielded in 4 beach visits, and 1 zoo visit. Not too bad I think.

Running? It's a love hate relationship. Some days I force myself to go, some days I want/need to go very badly.

God? That's also been an up and down thing. However, thanks to a dear friend, a bit thirst has set in resulting in my wanting more and more of the scriptures. That's good, right? :]

Other than these three things I set out to accomplish during the summer, there is so much on my mind that I want to share, but I also lack the words to share it with. Just a wee bit frustrating I'd say. Every day I'm able to sleep in, read books, exercise, and work along with have a quiet house mostly to myself. I love this summer so far. It's only June 1st. Am I allowed to be excited for mid August already?

Thanks God.

God, Ice cream, and exercise

I realize that I have not blogged about anything since last year during Wellspring, and that's totally my fault. I wish I would have written more, for a lot has taken place since then; way too much to write about in one post. So here I am, attempting another go around with it this summer because 1. I'll have more time 2. hopefully have more stories, and 3. be able to actually reach the goals I am setting here and now at the beginning.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a position in Battle Creek working at Continental Pastries scooping ice cream! The first thoughts in my head? I'M NOT LIFEGUARDING! Don't get me wrong, lifeguarding is wonderful, but something else to stick out there is nice too. How cool is that though...come on....scooping ice cream. Niiiiiice. Now, I start tomorrow. Start training. Not gonna lie, I'm a bit scared, but only because it's something totally new that doesn't require me to sit in a chair beside a pool in my suimsuit. I'm also living with my sister all summer so I can bike to work as well. I'm also so excited about that because biking = exercise and...well...being around frozen custard goodness all the time...bad things can happen in the form of extra weight added on. :] So this summer, I'm making a pact with myself to not just be content with biking all summer, but I want to be able to be in better shape than ever before when all is said and done (which means having variety too!) I can't wait.

Now, along with this idea of a new job, and a more healthy lifestyle, I am also challenging myself to remain in God's word constantly throughout each day. Not just physically in his word, but mentally as well. With all the free time I hope to not have, this is going to be hard, which I know. It was hard this past semester, and I did suffer for it (that was the worst part...suffering). I want to love deeper, and walk closer with my God, my provider, and my sustainer.

With this said, I begin my journey. Day 1, begins now (well...in 45 minutes). We'll see where the road takes us this summer, in 2010. Bring it on.

Summer travels and good times.

So we're into week 3 out of 7 doing Wellspring, and it's been such an interesting journey thus far. I'd like to be able to share all of my feelings and emotions and what not, but there is no way to put all I have experienced into words...or words that people can understand. The first week we were at Manton Christian Camp in Manton, MI. That place was sweet, and I'll be honest I wasn't sure about it at first, but the people I met there (councilors and campers) I won't ever forget. That was the first week that we were councilors ourselves so I know that most of us were kind of apprehensive about having kids in our care. We worked a highschool week first and the very first night Lindsey and I were already experiencing some camper tiffs...it was fun and we thought that the kids hated us. However, we gave it a few days and things got so much better. We realized that they only way we were going to get through anything through the upcoming summer was to just be crazy and have fun in everything. It worked. Those few days flew by, and then next few days, with junior high campers this time (same camp) was so much better. I loved my girls so much. They were tight with eachother, and crazy right along with me so we all just had such an awesome time!

The second camp was Scioto Youth Camp in Ohio. When we pulled up to this camp my first thought was...are you kidding me? This camp was in the side of a hill, the buildings were held up by cement bricks, the walls were full of cracks so the ventilation was purely from God, no air conditioning, the only entertainment was basketball...and the list goes on. I had such a bad attitude about this place. It was a free camp where kids from any home backgrounds came because it was free. There were two other groups there as well, one from Ohio Christian University, and one from Campbellsville...something or other. those kids were great. Anyway, the first 3 days there were sooooo hard for all of us. Not only was it humid, but the kids were just not responding to anything so it was kinda discouraging for us as the band. I know that things shouldn't depend on how kids respond because it's not about us, but that wasn't my mindset at all. Then Wednesday hit. And it hit hard. That's when God started to prick my heart and speak to me. After chapel that night I can't explain what happened...but it was awesome. From then on till the end of the week, I was constantly being reminded to soften my heard towards the campers, to have faith that God WOULD move in his time and work when HE wanted to work. But looking back I can vividly see him moving all throughout the camp in those kids and to be able to see that is incredible. All I know is that I started to read my Bible more, I started to look to Christ for my comfort instead of going to others, my faith increased so much in letting God take over...and that list goes on as well. It was soooo awesome. :]

Now we're at the 3rd camp in Burton, OH, and it's the jibb. Totally unlike last week, but you know? It's nice to have some down time where we can catch up and relax, and yet STILL get to know the other campers and staff. I know it's only wednesday and who knows what can happen, but God has everything in control, and right now, that's completely enough for me. :]